NEWS FLASH

Assholeciated Press

WEST BEND, Wis. -
Feb. 28th, 2006

The great "Miller heist" has taken another weird turn. Police found the semi truck that was carrying the $26,000 worth of Miller Beer products today. The beer was gone. All of it!

- 384 24-packs of Miller Genuine Draft cans

- 560 18-packs of MGD 12-ounce bottles

- 980 18-packs of MGD 12-ounce cans

- 40 24-packs of Miller Light 16-ounce plastic bottles

In what might be a related story. A sheriff's deputy found two Wisconsin Badger Hockey fans in a park amongst a sea of empty Miller beer cans and bottles. The two unidentified fans have yet to make a statement.
Deputy Bert Dahmer said, "When we arrived we found both individuals face down clutching pictures of the UW Badger 2005-2006 Hockey Team photo. The faces of various UW hockey players had been covered by marker or pen. Both posters had the head coach's face deliberately cut out. We also discovered what seems to be a stuffed Goldy Gopher doll under one of the men." Asked further about the doll Dahmer continued, " it seems as though some type of ritual with sexual overtones was going on but I can not elaborate further until lab results are in on the doll."

Police are looking for finger prints to trying and connect these yet unlinked incidents.


Reporting
Red B. Menace.